We haven't used these in so long.
I miss them.
I can't remember the login for my secret myspace.
Help?
I have the worst memory!
I love you guys
I miss this world that we used to live in.
I think college ruined it.

Every now and then I get really excited about cooking. I just want to bake and cook all kinds of food.
Of course I'm more excited about this sort of thing being vegetarian- I love finding new recipes to satisfy my tummy.
Today I made this really really yummy stir fry that had Onion, Peppers, Cabbage, Water Chestnuts and Baby Corn. I seasoned it with soy sauce and ginger and ate it on rice. It was very tasty.
So after I ate it I started thinking about other recipes I could create, and I decided to look up recipes for pumpkin soup. Almost EVERY recipe I found had CHICKEN BROTH or CHICKEN GRANULES. WTF IS A CHICKEN GRANULE?!?!?!
So I decide Fuck the recipes! When I make pumpkin soup, it will go something like this:
Fresh pumpkin, cubed
Fresh pear, cubed
Cream/Soy Milk
Ginger
Nutmeg
Cinnamon, maybe?
Brown Sugar

I'll probably steam the pumpkin and pear, then saute them together with all the spices, put them in the blender and blend with cream. Then Simmer it for awhile and ta-da, Soup!

Atleast I think that will work.

Fuck animal products.
Why do people try to slide it into everything, like vegetable soup?
It's fucking retarded.

She was beautiful. Everything about her drew me in: the way her long blue hair slipped out from beneath her knitted cap and spilled over her shoulders, the way she curled her left foot behind her right calf while she waited in line. It was all elegant and beautiful. Today she was wearing a lovely sundress, a dirty off white color with laced edges. It complimented her ivory skin perfectly. I wanted to make her mine. I needed her. I chased the very idea of her. My soul begged for her. I could not wait any longer. I was going to approach her.

 

-x-

 

            I balanced on one foot, bouncing impatiently as I waited to pay for my fruit smoothie. I glanced out the window at the perfect day that awaited me. The sky was vast and blue and welcoming. Today would be good. I would make it so.

 

-x-

 

            As she moved away from the queue and out the door I drew near her. She did not look affronted by my proximity, instead she smiled warmly and moved to go around me with a soft “Pardon me.” But I stopped her with a gentle touch upon her forearm. She looked at me with a question in her eyes.

           

-x-

 

            He was rather handsome, I must say. His hair was pale and his eyes heavy lidded. He looked strong, but his touch was feather light. My heart skipped a beat and I held my breath. What did he want?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            He placed his hand over her mouth to stifle her screams. “Hush,” He whispered into her hair, “Hush, you are so beautiful, please, hush.”

            She was crying. Hot tears spilled from her eyes and across his hand. He stroked her hair, her face, her body. “You are so beautiful.”

            “I could love you,” He whispered, “I could love you, you are so beautiful. I wanted you to be mine. Please, please let me keep you.” She sobbed harder at that. He wouldn’t remove his hand. He wouldn’t let her speak. He had lured her here, and he was conquering what he had coveted for so long.

            She whimpered and he pressed into her. His hand found her neck, stroked the soft skin and wrapped his hand around her delicate throat. Her grey eyes rolled into the back of her head as she struggled in vain for air.

            “Don’t make a sound,” He cooed, “I love you. I’ll take care of you.”

Her eyes were fluttering closed. Her expression softened. She craned her body toward him, as if she was aching for him as much as he was for her.

 

           

            She struggled. She struggled until she had no strength left. Now she lay broken on the floor beneath him. And he was all she could see. His hand pressed against her throat and she could not breathe. She saw his face, his eyes, staring at her. They were so clear. So Blue.

Light exploded behind her eyes and she struggled to understand what was happening to her. The Sun? Was she looking at The Sun? It must be, it was so bright. And the blue. The intense, never ending blue. Oh, it was the Sky! She loved the Sky. It was wide and bright as she stared at it now, and she fell into it, spiraled up into its depths. She released the air in her lungs and she struggled to keep her eyes open so that she may continue to stare at the blue above.

Then it swallowed her whole. The sky opened up before her and she rose up towards it. And then she felt herself fading. She was disappearing! And then nothingness. She was nothing.

 

 

Her head rolled to the side and her eyes stared blankly ahead.

“Oh, you’re going to be mine forever, beautiful.” He whispered, burying his face in her blue hair. “Your hair reminds me of the sky…” He thought outloud, as he continued to fuck her cooling corpse.

The Sky

           

            Of all things in this world, I love the Sky the most. It baffles me, and yet I can feel the way it mirrors my self. It is so beautiful, a perfect creation. It is ever changing. It is infinite. And People love the Sky. They dream of it, dream of flying just a bit closer. But the Sky isn’t real. It’s an illusion. There is nothing above our heads but air and refracted light. It is not solid. It will not catch you if the world releases its hold.

            So the Sky is a liar. It presents itself as this marvelous thing, but it is hollow and empty. And maybe it is saddened by this emptiness. Maybe it regrets it. Maybe it wishes it were better, and that is why it lies. Maybe it is more like me than I previously thought.

            Because I am empty. I am hollow, and sad, and nothing. I am a shadow of existence. A Non-Entity. Just like the Sky. And one day, I will disappear from my body. I will fade away, like a ghost in time, until, eventually, no one even remembers my name.

            But people will always remember the sky. Because hopes and dream and beauty like that never really leave our hearts. That sort of abstract wonder lasts forever...

blahblahblah.

Everything around me is like static on the TV.
I close my ears to try to ignore the sound, but  I can still hear it.
And it is all making me angry.

But at the same time I am just tired and sad.
Tired and Sad.
That seems so fitting.
I wanted to pretend to be a hobo today.
So I let my makeup smudge under my eyes and stared at myself in the mirror.
I liked the way my eyes looked hollow and weary, like the day had just been too long.

Even though nothing has happened to upset me lately.
I still feel upset. What is with that?
I'm not as angry as I Was an hour ago.
Mainly because I'm too tired to be angry now.
I have a lot of school work to do this weekend.
So that means no fun what so ever. I have to write that speech, finish two chapters of math, do  six response things, Do my test corrections, portfolio, field observation, essays and  what not. Lots and lots and lots of stuff.
(It blows)

Well.
I feel like shit right now.
I feel dizzy and nauseous and I haven't eaten today. Oops.

Chris being here is strange.
He is fun to be around but at the same time I can't believe I'm really hanging out with him.
With him and you, Sara. How weird.
I am glad that you guys get along. It is very awesome.
He hasn't said a word about Elizabeth. I've heard more about his ex Caitlin than Elizabeth. I wonder what that means.
He took me out to eat at this upscale restaurant called Vinny's.
He barely made fun of my for being a vegetarian. haha.
He sat across from me.
I was like "You are too far away, I can't hear you."
But also I was like "WHY ARE YOU BEING SO FORMAL."
He said nice restaurants required formality.
If you say so.

I feel like shit and that sucks because I know it has everything to do with being hot and dehydrated and not eating. Buuuut food doesn't really appeal to me just now.
I am also overwhelmed whenever I think THAT I HAVE A WEEK TO DO STUPID SHIT. And that is gay. I never did these online responses for this lit class. Oops. I don't really care. I'd try to half ass them right now but I don't have my books or anything. Shit.
Well. I mean. Hopefully I still have an A so I don't have top write that stupid paper for the final. A stupid paper about these stupid short stories. Maybe I can like... I dunno. Still do them tonight, or something. But I doubt it.
Well I just checked on webCT and even though it says the 3/4 grades are up there is no final grade up on mine yet. She hasn't put Narrative essay or my makeup assignment up there.
Ohhh She's handing back Narrative Essays! sgjkhsgkj CROSS YOUR PALE FINGERS.

OOPS I USED COMMAS IN TWO COMPOUND SENTENCES SO I GOT A 95. FUCK THAT.
Oh well she loved it.
Hah. Anyway.
Class time now. See you guys soon!

I can't entirely describe the way i feel just now.
Restless, certainly.
There may be a little spark of happiness in me.
But I'm not sure. I don't know how else to define it.
I also know that hanging in the back of my mind is a great sadness, threatening  to swallow me whole.
Which is why I think I want to wash my face and get out of here.
But for right now I think I am going to work on that self sim story...
Well.
I love you guys.
Sara, call me. We need to do stuff.

I just read through my old journals.
I haven't done so in...oh, I don't know, four years?
Everything I wrote was unimportant. I didn't say a damn thing in them that really mattered.
But you could see the change over the years.
First there were little snippets about hating my dad.
And then how scared I was of him.
And then how sad and lonely I was.
And then how I didn't want to live anymore.
Mostly I talked about my friends and the boys in my life.
Which was alll silliness.
But I didn't write any events in there.
I didn't talk about when dad threw my things down the stairs.
Or when mom left.
I talked about James. And James. And Mackenzie. And Chris. And James.
I read about my first french kiss.
And about the time I tried to kill myself.
And about when I first started thinking about hurting myself.

It started when I was twelve.
But I don't think I actually let it happen for another year...
I still can't remember the first time I did it.
I didn't write about it.
But you could read the difference in my voice on the page...

So.

Things I hate about my Dad's House:
-The television
-My room
-How the doors are always locked
-How you need a key to unlock the doors on the inside
-No food
-I never feel like eating here anyway
-My dad
-How I hate myself so much here
-I have less self control
-I can't speak my mind
-The smell of pot
-The clutter and chaos
-Spiders
-My/Naron's old room. The one on the end. At t he front of the house. I'm terrified of it.


Things I hate about my Mother's House:
-Internet
-The smell of cigarettes
-My mom acting like a kid
-Scarlett being fed people food...
-Air Conditioning
-Car
-Chicken Shit

I think this makes a decision easier...

I had an awesome crazy dream.
We were at some dance school reality show, and who ever could kick the highest would win an outing or something. So I lift my leg up and let my torso fall back so my leg is sticking straight up and my ballet slipper is like, brushing the ceiling. But the lady said that that wasn't a kick. And I told her "This is a dance competition, not a kick boxing class!" But she refused to let us win. I think I quit the show.
Then I went home and  the lady lived next door to me. When I came up to my house with my duffle bag there is ice covering my house. My mom comes out and tells me she's fortified the house because of that lady? And I go in the house and everything is made of ice. And I hug my mom because she worked so hard to make all this ice furniture for me. Then I realize that Scarlett isn't there and I ask my mom about it and she tells me that she had to hide Scarlett to protect her. So I ask if we can go get her, and I go outside and there is some scene with this woman and all the ice outside, but I can't really remember it. So then my mom drives down this road and stop infront of this huge tree, kind o f like the one that turned into a water tower in my other dream...
But I run up to it and pull open this hidden door in the trunk and scarltt leaps out and kisses me all over my face. I hug her but then there are all these other dogs that come, so I get scared and climb up these vines that hang all over the tree. Then I swoop down and grab scarlett and I'm holding her and climbing these vines like Tarzan's Jane. And I actually thought that in my dream, like "Wow, I can climb vines. That's fucking awesome." Then I was on the tree branches and then the branches turned into pantry shelves and I was in a closet. And the dogs came in but one was a tiger and I was trapped. The tiger put it's big paws up on the first shelf and strated climbing them.
And then I woke up and missed scarlett terribly.